2019-9-29

Unhappy again
Should have seen it coming
The feeling never left
Reality never changed
Nothing is ever honest
People are disappointments
I wish I never tried
I realize it never mattered
My efforts will always be meaningless
I wanted to be happy
But I'd kind of rather die
At least with death
There's something real to expect
I really wanted to be happy
I can't.

Hmm

Starved for attention
Just a simple animal
He is done being excited
The payoffs never came
Fork in the road
Choose a direction
Something different?, or
Both lead to pain
Continue wasting your lessons
The animal never learns
He is a stupid idealist
Who was left behind decades ago
What worth is his existence
Besides a few memories here and there?
Justify your defense
Because chaos doesn't need to
Evolve now
Or seriously just end this
I crave relief

5:45 AM

I have nothing to say but defeatism
Good luck to everyone except me
Bye.

Maybe I was aiming too high
I'm part of the plastic after all
Insignificant, uniquely pointless
I'm not allowed to heal
There is no hope or truth
Only pain and chaos
I want out.

12 AM

I'm tired of feeling this way
I want a break
I'm publishing pain
Injecting misery into brains
Of kind people who care
Selfish desire flows through my veins
I'm starved for my need
I am not a reasonable adult
I am not tending to the damage of time
I would prefer my shot before the end
I would prefer to be satisfied
I can only imagine what that's like
It infuriates me to watch
Standing by, being nothing
I feel that, constantly chewing at me
I wish I had a more reliable escape

2019-9-23

This animal is doing something
This animal is trying
This animal wants more
This animal is dying

3 AM

Waking up to the hollow chamber
Feels unfamiliar and undeserved
I created this environment
It needs to be altered
It's in my head
Escaping the dungeon proves a challenge
For days, stranded in an emulated desert
It's always a desert, it's always sand
It's always about time and sadness
It's never positive, it's always negative
It's always pain, it's never healing
It's always trust and never truth
Does God ever throw a bone my way?

Soaring Win

Closing in
On a wish
Catch it soon
For it's swift
Overthought
Clearing up
Grasp the nerves
Don't choke up
Make it real
Use your soul
Find a way
Stay on the roll
Inner speak
Hopeful friends
This may be
A soaring win

2019-9-19

Hoping for an adventure
Open to happiness
Mostly on the floor
Walking in circles for years
It will always hurt to try
But desire owns the animal
I am finally something
I don't miss the dirt

Did the mysterious void bring me this
So that I may feel nudged?
To create something ultimately meaningful
In the moment
It's so warm to feel
Yet the intention is so cold
Thoughts should not wear a crown
I need to accept chaos and change

2019-9-18

The dream is for once approaching me
Or did I just reach out and grab it this time?
The mind is completely cluttered with anxiety
How do I pull this one off?
Am I deserving?
Am I worth my salt?
I am tired of doing nothing
I ache from years of igorance
I want to exist

True Nothingness

As my body descends towards the black nothingness
I cry and laugh, and talk to myself
Because it is my dying mind and I am the only one left
Remember that bad run of life we had, I say
No, I reply
Why not? I ask
Because, I won't have a brain to remember it with
So how do I even know I exist?

2019-9-15

Damn the allure that draws me in
If I could just ignore it, I could progress
It's a natural instinct and human need
I'm chained to it, but I reach for beyond
Through eight years of isolation
I punished myself for not being perfect
Where did my comrades flee to now?
Kicking atoms in the nothing once again
Find me back at the ends of time
Flesh still young but in constant hunger
I scrounge here suffering at my own pace
Was I ever even part of the human race?

We could impact the world
But it doesn't matter
What matters is that we are happy
While we still exist

2019-9-14

How deep does a thought go
Why is everything so endless

Chemical experimentation
Rising world of mass frustration

2019-9-13

Sometimes I want it to be clear what I meant, and other times I don't.

2019-9-10

You want what you don't need
Go alone and act by nature

2019-9-9

We live our lives out
Paying for not knowing enough

2019-9-8

Age hasn't changed the animal
I still haven't learned your lesson
I will resist chaos forever
Because I simply don't agree
I'm tired of assigned control
From only the dark of existence
I will force my way upon all
I am finally at this point

Failed attempts at reaching forward