Plantaea

Be nice to animals

For they are energy

Two separate species

With nothing against one another

One bites the plantae

The bigger bites all

Evolved back in Archaica

Diverged into a new age

The plantae stares in silence

It knows not even nothing

Life for me

Nothing I do pays off

Always double crossed

No relief ever comes

It's constant anxiety

I never win, I always fail

Everything is taken from me

Everything they say is bullshit

I never get what I want

I get to give to others

and be a gift of light

but I'm not allowed the same

I'm a reverse parasite

I wish I could succeed

but we know it never happens

Pump me up with words or more

The outcome never changes

I don't enjoy living this way

I make attempts to alter

But I'm locked into this life

by the universe, it seems

Guess I'm fucked

Goodnight & goodbye

Keep waving your finger

and repeating the words of others

I've tried everything in the book

I'm old, what the hell do you want?

I've learned and grown a lot

and I haven't tried to stop

Say something else, please

Because my feeling is getting worse

I'm always falling apart

and I feel badly for it

Be myself but change, you say

I'm stuck and frustrated.

2019-9-29

Unhappy again
Should have seen it coming
The feeling never left
Reality never changed
Nothing is ever honest
People are disappointments
I wish I never tried
I realize it never mattered
My efforts will always be meaningless
I wanted to be happy
But I'd kind of rather die
At least with death
There's something real to expect
I really wanted to be happy
I can't.

5:45 AM

I have nothing to say but defeatism
Good luck to everyone except me
Bye.

Maybe I was aiming too high
I'm part of the plastic after all
Insignificant, uniquely pointless
I'm not allowed to heal
There is no hope or truth
Only pain and chaos
I want out.

12 AM

I'm tired of feeling this way
I want a break
I'm publishing pain
Injecting misery into brains
Of kind people who care
Selfish desire flows through my veins
I'm starved for my need
I am not a reasonable adult
I am not tending to the damage of time
I would prefer my shot before the end
I would prefer to be satisfied
I can only imagine what that's like
It infuriates me to watch
Standing by, being nothing
I feel that, constantly chewing at me
I wish I had a more reliable escape

3 AM

Waking up to the hollow chamber
Feels unfamiliar and undeserved
I created this environment
It needs to be altered
It's in my head
Escaping the dungeon proves a challenge
For days, stranded in an emulated desert
It's always a desert, it's always sand
It's always about time and sadness
It's never positive, it's always negative
It's always pain, it's never healing
It's always trust and never truth
Does God ever throw a bone my way?

2019-9-19

Hoping for an adventure
Open to happiness
Mostly on the floor
Walking in circles for years
It will always hurt to try
But desire owns the animal
I am finally something
I don't miss the dirt

Did the mysterious void bring me this
So that I may feel nudged?
To create something ultimately meaningful
In the moment
It's so warm to feel
Yet the intention is so cold
Thoughts should not wear a crown
I need to accept chaos and change

2019-9-18

The dream is for once approaching me
Or did I just reach out and grab it this time?
The mind is completely cluttered with anxiety
How do I pull this one off?
Am I deserving?
Am I worth my salt?
I am tired of doing nothing
I ache from years of igorance
I want to exist

2019-9-15

Damn the allure that draws me in
If I could just ignore it, I could progress
It's a natural instinct and human need
I'm chained to it, but I reach for beyond
Through eight years of isolation
I punished myself for not being perfect
Where did my comrades flee to now?
Kicking atoms in the nothing once again
Find me back at the ends of time
Flesh still young but in constant hunger
I scrounge here suffering at my own pace
Was I ever even part of the human race?

We could impact the world
But it doesn't matter
What matters is that we are happy
While we still exist

2019-9-8

Age hasn't changed the animal
I still haven't learned your lesson
I will resist chaos forever
Because I simply don't agree
I'm tired of assigned control
From only the dark of existence
I will force my way upon all
I am finally at this point

Failed attempts at reaching forward

2019-8-31

Everyone's the same
Everything's the same
Nothing really changed
People are the same
That moment I finally realized
I was laughing at pain,
tore me down to level zero
I'm rejecting the flaunt
I'd rather not deliver another round of agony
Yet I stand all alone where nothing moves
I'm determined to endure and survive
I will make it out of this aching existence
Create what I need to create
And then leave
Whether that's between a mile from here
Or another dimension

Rejecting the flaunt
Deliver more, I'd rather not
Another round of agony
Standing alone among the trees
Determined to survive
Endure this aching life
Make it out and leave a dent
Atoms of creations spent