Report Card, March 2022

Instead of writing about what I say I think I'm going to do, I'm instead going to just write about what I did.

"Blackout 2" aka unnamed band with Steven and Jimmy:

- there are at least 5 songs done on guitar, drums, and bass. They are getting vocals soon from Steven.

- bass and guitar has been recorded for several more songs (there are about 15 more songs we are actively working on).

- we practice weekly and Steven twitch streams it.

Spinscythe (in general):

- I've been playing open mics.

- Been jamming with other musicians and letting some improvise over my songs.

- I've picked the songs I want to record for the first real Spinscythe release.

- I've been doing more music stuff and socializing in North Augusta. 

Agents of Agent:

- We have written 6-7 original songs and are in the early stages of recording.

Time Wizards:

- Due to life events and other things out of our control, we haven't been able to make many efforts in this project in a while. Me currently playing open mics is sort of a placeholder for now.

Warz & Battlez and the other comics:

- Dead. Probably will be for some time, until I finish a few music projects. 

2021-1-8

I want to improve

As a human being

To be the one to lift up the problems

To be strong and reliable

To be smart and suave

To be capable of catching my dreams

To be the one to help others rise

To prove to the world I'm not a liar

But I'm getting older

Feeling fatigued

Worrying how to keep up the feat

Feeling inferior

Feeling a little wrong

My extroversion is wearing off

Writing the same old tired song

Over and over, wondering how

I can overcome myself and be proud

Time controls me

And problems arise

I'm an alien in society

I have no place where I belong

Those who love me keep me from the dark

But there are times where I struggle to see

I'm scared of failing

Terrified of my mortality

I hope people know who I am

Before I forget myself.

Plantaea

Be nice to animals

For they are energy

Two separate species

With nothing against one another

One bites the plantae

The bigger bites all

Evolved back in Archaica

Diverged into a new age

The plantae stares in silence

It knows not even nothing

Accurate Energy

Not giving up is important

Thinking critically is important

It's important to keep trying

There was always more potential

Even after you stopped

Knowledge is neverending

Life for me

Nothing I do pays off

Always double crossed

No relief ever comes

It's constant anxiety

I never win, I always fail

Everything is taken from me

Everything they say is bullshit

I never get what I want

I get to give to others

and be a gift of light

but I'm not allowed the same

I'm a reverse parasite

I wish I could succeed

but we know it never happens

Pump me up with words or more

The outcome never changes

I don't enjoy living this way

I make attempts to alter

But I'm locked into this life

by the universe, it seems

Guess I'm fucked

Goodnight & goodbye

Keep waving your finger

and repeating the words of others

I've tried everything in the book

I'm old, what the hell do you want?

I've learned and grown a lot

and I haven't tried to stop

Say something else, please

Because my feeling is getting worse

I'm always falling apart

and I feel badly for it

Be myself but change, you say

I'm stuck and frustrated.

The kernel of truth

I waste my feelings on women that will never care.

The 2-5AM Deadzoners Who Think Way Too Much

It's never easy to stride the wire

Between reality and rumination

We require a fellowship to exist

So that we may put our minds in check

Not anything spins faster than the worrier's brain

Not anything could race or pace it

Intentions aren't always detected

And sometimes they are heavy or infected

I wish happiness upon you

Because I wish it for myself

Something Changed

I don't know how long this will last

But I have to ride it out

I don't have a choice in the matter

Between pain and hope

The choice of pain is withering

Faith is becoming an option

Not every tear on my cheek

Will represent my misery anymore

Sometimes they will stand for change

I have to keep trying

To improve my world

To see myself the way you see me

My eyes have been shut for years

And it feels like a century wasted

The regret is heavy

But the scars from all of my risks

Aren't long enough just yet to call it quits

I've missed this humanity I've lacked

I genuinely appreciate an error

I want to fully own myself at my peak

I need to hit the bullseye for once in my life

I can, and I should

I deserve to be happy

I am throwing all of my aim into this new reality

The way it should have always been

But never was

And dwelling will only prevent it

And it's nearly impossible not to dwell

Yet I must push through and tell myself better

I can't allow the words of loving comrades to fall on deaf ears

I can't waste my own time anymore

And I surely can't waste theirs

I still don't have the answers I crave

I'm in the middle

I still crave

I try

I am only myself

That's all I can be

Nothing Changes

I try with all I have

To do everything I can

To fulfill my desire

My fuel to stick around

But I can't help but lean back

Against the wall

And look straight down

How many years of twisted rules

And obscured answers

Does it take for my peace to arrive?

No one is worth impressing

A connection isn't allowed

I'm locked out of society

And my thoughts win the war against my mind

All I can do is try

And I always will

But nothing works, and everyone is broken

This body, these accomplishments

Nothing of substance seems to matter

I can only push myself through pain

For only so much longer

Be it the mind or the body

Whichever snaps first

I'm paying heavily

The frustration never ends

The comparisons constantly sting

The passed time has diminished the

Scraps of hope I found throughout life

The feelings drop into the gut

I self-suffer another night alone

And anything I attempt

Is just another failure on the pile

The lie of confidence passes me by

The opportunities forever slain

Everything was a mistake

Everything is desperation

Nothing swings my way

It seems I'll never have my day.

Final Limit

My patience is pushing me to extremes

I continuously sail through an ocean of screams

2019-11-25

What would life be without people being on edge constantly?

Honey Dripping

Tuning: Open C# Minor

Sugar falls
In containment for days
As it hits the tongue
And gives a flavor in waves
How much longer
Will the fountain run on
Will I get my taste
Or am I trapped in a song

Everything I want is on the floor
Nothing seems to matter anymore

Crystals melt
As I'm playing a game
With my brain and body
Nothing feels the same
Back and forth
Agonizing for years
Will I win for my moment
Or will I get tears

Everything I want is on the floor
Nothing seems to matter anymore
Everything I want is on the floor
Nothing seems to matter

Trust in the universe
I don't think I can summon up the strength
Trust in the universe
But chaos rakes me in and steals my faith

Heavy Risk

Tuning: Open C# Minor

Heavy Risk
Out of line
Big old tired dent in my life

2019-10-11

When will I claim
My chance to start
I'm asking for less
But more is taken from me
How tolerant are the atoms of friendship
To the strain of uncontrolled emotions
How do I continue on
When nothing I want is available?

2019-10-4

You can't see what I see
Because you've already forgotten the past
You're embedded in the jewel of the now
While I am standing outside of the glass
There's no one here to talk to
I have to leave my mind
I'm trying to cope with my existence
I can't stand around, I have to try

2019-9-29

Unhappy again
Should have seen it coming
The feeling never left
Reality never changed
Nothing is ever honest
People are disappointments
I wish I never tried
I realize it never mattered
My efforts will always be meaningless
I wanted to be happy
But I'd kind of rather die
At least with death
There's something real to expect
I really wanted to be happy
I can't.

Hmm

Starved for attention
Just a simple animal
He is done being excited
The payoffs never came
Fork in the road
Choose a direction
Something different?, or
Both lead to pain
Continue wasting your lessons
The animal never learns
He is a stupid idealist
Who was left behind decades ago
What worth is his existence
Besides a few memories here and there?
Justify your defense
Because chaos doesn't need to
Evolve now
Or seriously just end this
I crave relief

5:45 AM

I have nothing to say but defeatism
Good luck to everyone except me
Bye.

Maybe I was aiming too high
I'm part of the plastic after all
Insignificant, uniquely pointless
I'm not allowed to heal
There is no hope or truth
Only pain and chaos
I want out.

12 AM

I'm tired of feeling this way
I want a break
I'm publishing pain
Injecting misery into brains
Of kind people who care
Selfish desire flows through my veins
I'm starved for my need
I am not a reasonable adult
I am not tending to the damage of time
I would prefer my shot before the end
I would prefer to be satisfied
I can only imagine what that's like
It infuriates me to watch
Standing by, being nothing
I feel that, constantly chewing at me
I wish I had a more reliable escape

2019-9-23

This animal is doing something
This animal is trying
This animal wants more
This animal is dying